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THOOLAH
The Holy Order of Linden Avery Haters (THOOLAH) is a dangerous fan cult devoted to the utmost despising of Linden and taunting the members of Linden’s Army (LA). They sacrifice black goats at 6:66 (a special diabolic clock using shorter seconds) to Lord Foul every morning beneath the rising Sunbane while Gibbon-Raver chants cyclopean blasphemies before the congregation, thus preparing his sacrilegious lambs for another overcast day oozing with bile and venom towards The Queen of Whiners. Whereas the opposing party can admit that a weepy, whimpering, woe-ridden anti-heroine can possess positive qualities, they concentrate only on scrutinizing the flaws, and Lord Foul can cackle yet another content muwahahaha while casting a somber shadow over his worshippers. THOOLAH is also not afraid to bring their passionate beliefs before the very Creator himself (go to Intro 4), and in the face of calumny they only grow stronger. The insane Giant Longwrath serves as the sect’s official mascot. He actually lets the members pat him on the head, unlike his devastated Swordmain friends, which results into a kind of lionish purr. In the interests of balance, it is important to achieve a reasoned perspective upon THOOLAH - entirely unlike the dribbling and quintessentially inaccurate ravings posted above - no doubt authored by one of the more swivel-eyed members of Linden’s Army. Members of THOOLAH have shown themselves invariably to be intellectually gifted, profoundly thoughtful and, above all, acutely perceptive. This is how they have come to realize beyond any shadow of a doubt that Linden Avery - variously and correctly known by group members as the Princess of Procrastination, the First Lady of Fretting, the Archduchess of Annoyingness, the Baroness of Blubbing or the Imperatrix of Inaction - should be reviled and castigated with every fibre of any right-thinking person's being. Enlightened members of THOOLAH religiously keep their razor-sharp perspicacity well-honed by exchanging Zen-like epithets and riddles, such as:- "Anchovies, much like Linden Avery, are about as appealing as Satan's butthole", and "What's the difference between Linden Avery and a bucket of watery crap? The bucket", and "How do you stop Linden Avery from drowning? Take your foot off her head" THOOLAH members find themselves eternally in conflict with the poor, benighted, misguided fools that make up the noisome rabble that is Linden's Army, which for some reason (they probably need to get out more) reveres Linden Avery as some sort of example to look up to. Sadly, the only qualification necessary to sign up with Linden's Army is to have an IQ smaller than one's shoe size, something that its lack-witted, mouth-breathing, slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging members achieve with consummate ease. The sole matter upon which members of THOOLAH and their far less-evolved counterparts in Linden's Army will ever agree is that those who comprise the devotees of that wishy-washy sect known as OPAL (Opinion Pending About Linden) need to grow a pair and get off the damn fence. 'Maledictory Links / Enlightened Further Reading' *http://kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=8326 *http://thoolah.blogspot.com Category:Fandom Category:Against All Things Linden